Simple Pleasures

Today, I have been reprimanded my boss for my oversight. How can I possibly ignore something that is impossible doing that my head just blacks out. The next thing I know, I had absolutely no idea about it and move on.

What's worse is that I saw another two of my boo-boo's because of the same reason: not paying too much attention. Neilsen is not even helping either. He dumps all this emotional baggage at me even though I am already feeling bad for today. Thank God I still have a hold of myself or otherwise, I would have cracked under pressure.

And I thought I will be able to get out of this cube early tonight. I hope tomorrow is not the case.

I blame the coffee that kept my heart pounding for over 8 hours already.

And while experiencing these palpitations, I had the urge to smoke. I never felt so stressed for months as my hours are again slowly expanding till wee hours as I have been setting camp in front of my monitor watching out for read receipts from the fucking bloody americans who kept my issues in turtle pace and I would surprise them with a message from me saying "how is it going?" which subtly means "Are you still working on the issue I sent you?".

The same question reminded me of my boss who would usually pop an IM with those same words. It made me feel like I am such an incompetent dork who can't finish my own work. This is the same boss who told me today that he gets worried at me sending out today's minutes of the meeting for over five hours.

Hmmmm, I can see Sloth coming in full cycle.

Eventhough the idea of marriage is giving me the direction I needed, I don't think I would want to be with someone whom I had the slightest hesitation with.

What I fear right now is that that married couples change through time and given whatever circumstances may eventually make them turn against each other and bring out the worse in them. For the past four years, I've seen my worse and I was lucky this guy was able to endure everything. But I wouldn't want someone who can endure my misgivings. I need someone who can make me realize my misgivings and turn me into someone loving and good.

My mom told me that for someone commit to somebody takes a kind of love bigger than the love they have for one another. Because one has to fill the void missing inside of the spouse with whatever he/she lacks in himself and vice versa. Marriage is bigger than just the union of two people who love each other, it is a bond that unites two people with the all the defects without any refunds nor warranties.

But where am I going to find that kind of love at times like this especially when I'm feeling the sudden compulsion to flee.

I'm hating myself right now for being the world's greatest scumbag but in the long run, it is better to have cold feet right now than late when the wedding plans are already been laid.

My life is in a blur right now.

A revelation last night has took a interesting turn and I don't quite understand how I am going to react on something as amazing as this. It's a mixture of my old fears and renewed passion tht has stoked the fire in me to see these things in a new light.

I want to see where this is heading. I want to know if this is what I've been missing all this time. Maybe this is the one I've been looking for all my life.

I'm so happy I could burst.